Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
-Isaiah 43:18-19-
I'm just a stranger here, despite your everything
I'm not attached to your world of disease
Like Father always said, and I can only agree
They will hate you because they always hated me
And even though I feel alone
I know that we could never be
If it's a choice between this veil of ecstasy
And all the lonely suffering of seeing so clearly
If I've said it once, I'll say it twice, say it eternally
I'll find all the comfort that I need inside this bleeding
-Project 86
I have been in the Army for three years now, having enlisted during my senior year of high school (a story in itself right there). I have been deployed to Iraq since April 2007 and I am currently on leave from there. After seventeen days of being back home and driving across Texas visiting family and friends, I am flying back on Friday morning. I will remain in Iraq through this summer.
One of the things I was able to do on leave was to go to the Passion ’08 Regional Conference in Dallas, Texas. I had been planning on this for a while and brought three friends from Oklahoma with me, as well as met my sister and her boyfriend there. I came away with a lot from the conference, but I wanted to highlight the biggest things here.
I experienced something very similar to culture shock this past weekend. You have to understand that for 22 of the past 27 months I have lived overseas in Korea and Iraq. My experience with Army chaplains has been horrible... I have seen both chaplains and their aides lying in the middle of the street drunk, and cussing out fellow soldiers, and making lewd remarks and jokes, and cheating on their wives, amongst a number of other activities that most would simply find unbelievable. I have a tremendous amount of respect for those who have been called into ministry and decided to do so as a chaplain in the Army... unfortunately, most seem to only take the job because they see it as an easy way to make a living.
For the majority of the past couple of years now, I have gotten by with DVD’s of messages from churches here in the states, CD’s from my grandfather (retired nearly a decade ago, but still works as an interim Baptist preacher in Alabama) and some of his sermons. I have allowed myself to become spiritually stagnant and yet, I have put it all off on hypocritical Christians, chaplains, and the dismal company that I have found myself keeping over the past two years. However, I am now convinced that this condescending view that I have had of my surroundings has done more damage to me than perhaps anything else. Somewhere in all these negative thoughts of the atmosphere that I find myself in, I lost sight of the prize I was running for and settled for just coasting towards the finish. But, more on my complacency later.
Imagine not going to church, not having fellowship with other Christians, only praying on occasion, and opening your Bible once or twice a week when you feel like it. This pattern continues for the better part of two years. Then you come home and attend a Passion conference of all things... there’s that culture shock that I was talking about. I went from an environment where I have no close friends (much less Christian friends) to a place where I am suddenly worshipping and praising my Savior with 6,000 other people.
It all started the Wednesday before though. Back home in Lawton for a few days, I made it to my former church home for the Wednesday night college Bible study. I honestly cannot tell you what the message was about now, but I left with the verse Matthew 26:40 impressed upon me.
Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak.
-Matthew 26:40-
After reading this, I stumbled upon Psalm 51. For those not familiar with it, it was written by David after he was convicted by Nathan for committing adultery with Bathsheba.
Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.
-Psalms 51:10-12-
And so going into this Passion conference weekend, my prayer had been that God would renew a steadfast spirit within me. I had allowed my desire for Him to be overcome by the things of this world, and I was ready to turn around and never look back. Saturday morning, Francis gave a message on the Holy Spirit that was right in line with what God had already been showing me for a few days.
So many of us (myself included) belittle the Spirit... we just do not get it. I feel like dancing around the stage like Francis did while he was trying to get his message across to us. The Almighty God of the entire universe lives inside of you! But no... I don’t drink, I don’t cuss, I’m just an all around nice guy. I can’t witness to my boss, he might make fun of me. Daily prayer and quiet time? I worked for fourteen hours today, I don’t have time for that. Maybe tomorrow, Lord. Relationships? Well, tell you what, let me handle this one God, thanks though. Hello? Has anybody out there been as clueless and tuned out as I have over the past couple years? The Almighty God of the universe lives inside of me!
So, there’s my wake up call. I truly feel as though something inside of me has been renewed. Naturally, following Passion, the first thing I did was to start digging through the Passion website. I had never listened to a Passion podcast before, but I now have 25 of them sitting on my iPod waiting to be played for the twenty some-odd number of hours I have to sit on a plane on Friday. After the conference and returning to Lawton, I was driving from Lawton back down to Houston; and I could not help but go ahead and listen to one of the podcasts. For whatever reason, I picked the Boston podcast.
In the podcast, Louie mentions on multiple occasions that the Boston people were ‘spiritually leaning forward’, painting the picture of a crowd on the edge of their seats the entire conference. It truly is a beautiful image, and one that I associate very closely with. You see, I have been sitting in Iraq eased back carelessly in my seat; and suddenly, I’m in Dallas on Saturday knowing that a week from that day, I would be on a plane to Kuwait where I will not attend a formal church service until I’m back in the states in July. I knew how those Boston people felt. They could not believe that they were there, that this conference was happening for them, and they have no idea when or if another opportunity like this will occur.
As I listened to the podcast in my car, I began to grow excited. Louie addresses the Boston crowd on several occasions, and I find myself closely identifying with almost everything he says to them. Finally, he prays for them and closes with a verse.
So, it is with a heavy heart today that I return to my military regulation haircut and start gathering my stuff to pack... but something is different this time as I prepare to fly out in a couple days. Hah, it feels like I am going to war. Well, duh... but there’s a spiritual war much closer to the surface that I can sense now. I sense a new hunger that can only be quenched by feeding this growing flame inside of me, I have the Holy Spirit, and I have a promise from the God of all creation that He will provide water in the desert and He will provide streams in the wasteland and He will do so for His people.
Just crawl across this desert heat
And become tragic with me
And now that we are not alone
You know that we could never be
Nobody knows, nobody cares
Nobody sees outside our safe haven
We will live again
Alone and so content
-Project 86-
