-Ryan Clark-
No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear.
-I Corinthians 10:13-
A couple of weeks ago, I went to a Passion conference. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life, and a large reason for the inspiration of this website... definitely a spiritual high along a journey of peaks and valleys. But, I ran into a bit of a Passion conference killjoy very quickly after last weekend. One thing after another went wrong on my way home. My sister was in the emergency room and I was not sure what type of condition she was in. I visited my grandmother in Austin who is suffering from lung cancer and she’s not doing well... you could tell from her actions and some things she said that she does not expect to see me again before she dies. I desperately needed somebody, anybody to talk to... I called a few numbers. Nobody picked up here, a busy signal there. As I became frustrated, depression slowly started sinking in. I am not even back in Iraq yet and everybody has already moved on. Here I am, isolated and by myself all over again.
So much for completely depending on God to get me through everything. Am I really that feeble minded that I forget everything I have learned over the weekend and fall into a slump like that?
I do not know who will read this, I do not even know if anybody will read this. Maybe months down the road, somebody will stumble upon it and read some of my experiences and that’ll help them somehow. I am not sure, but some sort of outlet where I can ramble on a little about whatever is happening seems like it’d help these feelings of loneliness and isolation that constantly overwhelm me.
So, here goes nothing. I have only one close relative who has served in the Army, and that is my grandfather. He served as a Lieutenant in the Korean War and was awarded the Bronze Star Medal. He is the one family member that I would love most to share stories of my military experiences with and ask him questions about different things that I go through. However, he passed away in October 2001, long before I developed any ambitions to join the military and travel the world.
His wife (and obviously my grandmother) is dealing with lung cancer right now and not doing well. When I was discussing joining the military with my family, she supported me above and beyond any other family member, save perhaps my parents. Maybe she felt some sort of obligation because of my grandfather and maybe she felt that is what he would have wanted. Maybe she, like my parents, saw it as God’s will with the way everything fell into place at the last moment. Whatever the reason, she will always have my gratitude for that support when not a lot of others did.
As I said goodbye, perhaps for the last time, I had to thank her one last time for that support. With a content smile and tears running down her face, she said that she wished my grandfather was still around to tell me how proud he was of me, and said buttons would be busting off his shirt from his chest swelling with pride. As an afterthought she added, “Well, I guess he has actually got the best seat in the house watching you now.”
Words can't kill the light inside of me
Words that tear me from the hate that binds me
Your face brings out the hate that rots me
The face of every day that haunts me
I can't pull away my blank stare
A thousand times should prove I don't care
But hands can't steal the light that makes me
Or bring me to the fate that breaks me
You'll never fade me out, you'll never turn me off
You'll never reach the end, never hear enough
Your half-grasp can't exterminate my stand
You can't rule with a broken upper hand
-Demon Hunter-
