Monday, February 25, 2008

The Vices of a Sinless City

It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in men.
-Psalm 118:8-

Feeling cold, feeling empty, set the stage where you want me
And this crowd right before me, doesn't care that I'm dying

And the audience stands with their eyes fixed
On this preconceived notion of me
I'm so betrayed by your hopes
But I will not hide myself for your peace of mind


Raise a boy to be a cynic
Take his love and then let it

Turn into something passionate
Something sick, something rabid


And I want to keep myself from caving
I don't hate you, I just hate where I'm heading
I'm left here asking, when did I trade in
My bleeding heart for a selfish win?

Oh but mother, I've got vices like any other man
Vices that you're not used to
Vices that'll make you think less of me

Leave me numb, leave me jaded
She's a dream, I just play dead

I've been blessed, I've been hated
She's the constant and I'm her addict


She's the only peace in my world
I'm uneasy while I bite my tongue

To keep from breaking the heart
That I've spent my whole life seeking

The only heart I've ever needed

Oh but lover, I've got vices like any other man
Vices that you're not used to
Vices that'll make you think less of me

Feeling cold, feeling empty, I am low and unworthy
Bleed the God, bleed the blessing, like a vulture feasting
I'll exist as if I don't feel conviction
Of my ignorance to my perfect prison

But I feel the stabs on my wrists and ankles
Every time I try to forget You


Oh but Jesus, I've got vices like any other man
Vices that You're so used to
Vices that won't make You think less of me
-Dead Poetic-

I arrived back in Iraq after brief travels through Hungary and Kuwait, despite being stranded in Baghdad for five days because of rain. In the desert. See, you quote Isaiah about streams in the desert and look what happens.

As with any Christian, I have spiritual speaks and valleys in my life, and I can already feel the next downhill tug. The isolation out here after experiencing Passion in Dallas feels more like a train wreck or crash, so perhaps ‘tug’ is no the correct choice of words.

I have been working on a few more substantial entries from my Bible studies and quiet time to put on here later. I have felt horribly conflicted as I am writing one entry on being totally committed to Christ. While writing that entry, I keep allowing myself to be pulled away by other distractions, other things to be done, games to play, movies to watch. Convenient, eh? When you read this entry later, please, please, please know that I write this entry for myself more than anybody else. I wish I was completely devoted to Christ above and beyond any other person or thing in my life... but though I strive for that goal, I constantly slip, fall and fail.

Please be in prayer for me as I work on finishing the above mentioned entry; and as I go about resuming my day-to-day routine in Kut that I’ll set aside time for God to move in and through me, and that all these distractions I face will fall by the wayside as I turn and trust in Him and only Him.

Anyway, back home from leave. With the guys. This is normally a joyous, back-slapping adventure into machoism as each soldier returning from R&R takes turns swapping stories of how they spent their entire time on leave high, drunk, and hung over. Did I miss something somewhere?

“Man, I was so wasted, I don’t remember anything about my leave since I got off the plane!” Yes, that’s great... and I should be excited for you, because... A few guys notice my blank stares at the madness unveiling itself before my eyes.

Ah, here it comes. “Well, Dawkins, what about you?” Yes, this; a part of me had been dreading this since I stepped on that plane en route over the Atlantic once more.

The average soldier has a rather funny perception of a religious person in the Army, particularly those who have been obviously born and raised in a church environment. They seem to believe that as soon as these religious few step out into the world with “Pandora’s Box” before them, that they’ll go diving in and never look back.

This degrading insult of my faith and character has followed me through every step of the Army. In Basic and AIT, it was ‘guaranteed’ that before graduation that I would be sleeping around, drinking the bars dry, and cursing like a sailor - like everyone else. When I first arrived in Korea, my roommate merely looked at me in disbelief when I told him that I did not drink. “We’ll see how long that lasts...”

But above any other event in a soldier’s military career, here is the pinnacle of the hurdle. If ever there was a time to go out and just be stupid, this was it. Two weeks of leave in the middle of a fifteen month deployment to a combat zone. I suppose it is easier to live without regrets when you know when you’re one unlucky mortar round impact from leaving this world.

Oh yes, my story is glamorous. I went home on leave from Iraq on my 21st birthday. I watched the Super Bowl on a 92-inch screen, interrupted only by a brief game of foosball with my dad at halftime. I opened the door for my mom at a half-dozen restaurants as I was treated to all of my favorites. I drove four hours to Marshall and sat through a two-hour choir concert just to see my sister for a few more minutes before flying back. I probably spent an hour on the phone (a miracle in itself- you all know how I feel about talking on the phone) watching new episodes of The Office with my best friend in Mississippi. After skipping through half the CD, I finally got a Demon Hunter song stuck in yet another friend’s head, lol. I had joyous and exuberant moments, I felt broken and lonely at others. I was plagued with anxious thoughts, awkward times, embarrassing pauses. Through all of the peaks and all of the valleys, for better or worse, I truly relished in every moment... I really lived!

I didn’t consume a drop of alcohol, I didn’t run out and have gratuitous sex. I remember every second that I was awake for those few weeks. I never woke up dry heaving on the side of some foreign toilet, never caved into the thoughts of the jabs and peer pressure awaiting my overseas return... and I wouldn’t change a thing.

But how do you explain this to a group of young men bloodthirsty for tales of lust and debauchery? Well, you start by just trying. Some returned the same clueless blank stare that I gave them earlier, they don’t get it. I sense admiration in some of my closer friends. I see a nod here and there from a couple of the guys that I’ve had a few theological debates with and they don’t seem to be surprised at what I’m sharing. I wonder how many of them are calling me a fruitcake right now... (Inside joke from Passion, sorry)

For better or worse, I seem to be viewed in a different light around the unit. Suddenly, I’m a target for our devoted atheist/agnostic/anti-anything-worth-arguing-against group. Perhaps wore, I’m held on a pedestal by the believers around me. This isn’t what I wanted, I never would have wished for this. I’m getting to that entry about being completely devoted to Christ, so I want to at least clarify this for those reading one last time before you get to it - I’m not perfect! I’m just as human as you, I make mistakes just like everybody else.

It’s one thing to set an example for others, but suddenly I feel like people look to me as though I’m infallible. Nobody could possibly live up to expectations like those except Jesus. I worry that I’ll let down others and hurt the few believers that I have surrounded myself with. I pray they’ll understand that hope and faith should be placed in Christ and Christ alone, who will never fail you. Putting your faith in people only leads to disappointment... and those people shouldn’t have to deal with the pressure, weight, and scars that come when others look to them as this world’s sinless answer.

In this sinless city, wear callouses on our hands
Empty, vain and shaking, we see the guilt has left again
And all will fall, with or without arguing
So we'll fool them all, we'll pray for those that never will

Never been much for pity
Never been much for wishing them well
Though I cannot help but sever
The ties they tied so tight, so well

And on one side, they're holding on to what we were
And here we are, holding the hands that we severed
And we both let go, over and over again

Don't say this isn't what you're used to
I've seen followers like you
I've let down far worse than you

The fire burns like cancer, the scarring lasts forever
We all play tricks on fools who see us as their sinless answer
-Dead Poetic-

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Safe Haven

Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
-Isaiah 43:18-19-

I'm just a stranger here, despite your everything
I'm not attached to your world of disease
Like Father always said, and I can only agree
They will hate you because they always hated me

And even though I feel alone
I know that we could never be

If it's a choice between this veil of ecstasy
And all the lonely suffering of seeing so clearly
If I've said it once, I'll say it twice, say it eternally
I'll find all the comfort that I need inside this bleeding
-Project 86

I have been in the Army for three years now, having enlisted during my senior year of high school (a story in itself right there). I have been deployed to Iraq since April 2007 and I am currently on leave from there. After seventeen days of being back home and driving across Texas visiting family and friends, I am flying back on Friday morning. I will remain in Iraq through this summer.

One of the things I was able to do on leave was to go to the Passion ’08 Regional Conference in Dallas, Texas. I had been planning on this for a while and brought three friends from Oklahoma with me, as well as met my sister and her boyfriend there. I came away with a lot from the conference, but I wanted to highlight the biggest things here.

I experienced something very similar to culture shock this past weekend. You have to understand that for 22 of the past 27 months I have lived overseas in Korea and Iraq. My experience with Army chaplains has been horrible... I have seen both chaplains and their aides lying in the middle of the street drunk, and cussing out fellow soldiers, and making lewd remarks and jokes, and cheating on their wives, amongst a number of other activities that most would simply find unbelievable. I have a tremendous amount of respect for those who have been called into ministry and decided to do so as a chaplain in the Army... unfortunately, most seem to only take the job because they see it as an easy way to make a living.

For the majority of the past couple of years now, I have gotten by with DVD’s of messages from churches here in the states, CD’s from my grandfather (retired nearly a decade ago, but still works as an interim Baptist preacher in Alabama) and some of his sermons. I have allowed myself to become spiritually stagnant and yet, I have put it all off on hypocritical Christians, chaplains, and the dismal company that I have found myself keeping over the past two years. However, I am now convinced that this condescending view that I have had of my surroundings has done more damage to me than perhaps anything else. Somewhere in all these negative thoughts of the atmosphere that I find myself in, I lost sight of the prize I was running for and settled for just coasting towards the finish. But, more on my complacency later.

Imagine not going to church, not having fellowship with other Christians, only praying on occasion, and opening your Bible once or twice a week when you feel like it. This pattern continues for the better part of two years. Then you come home and attend a Passion conference of all things... there’s that culture shock that I was talking about. I went from an environment where I have no close friends (much less Christian friends) to a place where I am suddenly worshipping and praising my Savior with 6,000 other people.

It all started the Wednesday before though. Back home in Lawton for a few days, I made it to my former church home for the Wednesday night college Bible study. I honestly cannot tell you what the message was about now, but I left with the verse Matthew 26:40 impressed upon me.

Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak.
-Matthew 26:40-

After reading this, I stumbled upon Psalm 51. For those not familiar with it, it was written by David after he was convicted by Nathan for committing adultery with Bathsheba.

Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of Your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me.
-Psalms 51:10-12-

And so going into this Passion conference weekend, my prayer had been that God would renew a steadfast spirit within me. I had allowed my desire for Him to be overcome by the things of this world, and I was ready to turn around and never look back. Saturday morning, Francis gave a message on the Holy Spirit that was right in line with what God had already been showing me for a few days.

So many of us (myself included) belittle the Spirit... we just do not get it. I feel like dancing around the stage like Francis did while he was trying to get his message across to us. The Almighty God of the entire universe lives inside of you! But no... I don’t drink, I don’t cuss, I’m just an all around nice guy. I can’t witness to my boss, he might make fun of me. Daily prayer and quiet time? I worked for fourteen hours today, I don’t have time for that. Maybe tomorrow, Lord. Relationships? Well, tell you what, let me handle this one God, thanks though. Hello? Has anybody out there been as clueless and tuned out as I have over the past couple years? The Almighty God of the universe lives inside of me!

So, there’s my wake up call. I truly feel as though something inside of me has been renewed. Naturally, following Passion, the first thing I did was to start digging through the Passion website. I had never listened to a Passion podcast before, but I now have 25 of them sitting on my iPod waiting to be played for the twenty some-odd number of hours I have to sit on a plane on Friday. After the conference and returning to Lawton, I was driving from Lawton back down to Houston; and I could not help but go ahead and listen to one of the podcasts. For whatever reason, I picked the Boston podcast.

In the podcast, Louie mentions on multiple occasions that the Boston people were ‘spiritually leaning forward’, painting the picture of a crowd on the edge of their seats the entire conference. It truly is a beautiful image, and one that I associate very closely with. You see, I have been sitting in Iraq eased back carelessly in my seat; and suddenly, I’m in Dallas on Saturday knowing that a week from that day, I would be on a plane to Kuwait where I will not attend a formal church service until I’m back in the states in July. I knew how those Boston people felt. They could not believe that they were there, that this conference was happening for them, and they have no idea when or if another opportunity like this will occur.

As I listened to the podcast in my car, I began to grow excited. Louie addresses the Boston crowd on several occasions, and I find myself closely identifying with almost everything he says to them. Finally, he prays for them and closes with a verse.

So, it is with a heavy heart today that I return to my military regulation haircut and start gathering my stuff to pack... but something is different this time as I prepare to fly out in a couple days. Hah, it feels like I am going to war. Well, duh... but there’s a spiritual war much closer to the surface that I can sense now. I sense a new hunger that can only be quenched by feeding this growing flame inside of me, I have the Holy Spirit, and I have a promise from the God of all creation that He will provide water in the desert and He will provide streams in the wasteland and He will do so for His people.

Just crawl across this desert heat
And become tragic with me
And now that we are not alone
You know that we could never be

Nobody knows, nobody cares
Nobody sees outside our safe haven
We will live again
Alone and so content
-Project 86-

Monday, February 18, 2008

A Broken Upper Hand

Even though the devil may have an upper hand on our thoughts and action from time to time, we, with the power of God, have the ability to resist these temptations and remind the devil of his brokenness in contrast to the power of God.
-Ryan Clark-

No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear.
-I Corinthians 10:13-

A couple of weeks ago, I went to a Passion conference. It was one of the most amazing experiences of my life, and a large reason for the inspiration of this website... definitely a spiritual high along a journey of peaks and valleys. But, I ran into a bit of a Passion conference killjoy very quickly after last weekend. One thing after another went wrong on my way home. My sister was in the emergency room and I was not sure what type of condition she was in. I visited my grandmother in Austin who is suffering from lung cancer and she’s not doing well... you could tell from her actions and some things she said that she does not expect to see me again before she dies. I desperately needed somebody, anybody to talk to... I called a few numbers. Nobody picked up here, a busy signal there. As I became frustrated, depression slowly started sinking in. I am not even back in Iraq yet and everybody has already moved on. Here I am, isolated and by myself all over again.

So much for completely depending on God to get me through everything. Am I really that feeble minded that I forget everything I have learned over the weekend and fall into a slump like that?

I do not know who will read this, I do not even know if anybody will read this. Maybe months down the road, somebody will stumble upon it and read some of my experiences and that’ll help them somehow. I am not sure, but some sort of outlet where I can ramble on a little about whatever is happening seems like it’d help these feelings of loneliness and isolation that constantly overwhelm me.

So, here goes nothing. I have only one close relative who has served in the Army, and that is my grandfather. He served as a Lieutenant in the Korean War and was awarded the Bronze Star Medal. He is the one family member that I would love most to share stories of my military experiences with and ask him questions about different things that I go through. However, he passed away in October 2001, long before I developed any ambitions to join the military and travel the world.

His wife (and obviously my grandmother) is dealing with lung cancer right now and not doing well. When I was discussing joining the military with my family, she supported me above and beyond any other family member, save perhaps my parents. Maybe she felt some sort of obligation because of my grandfather and maybe she felt that is what he would have wanted. Maybe she, like my parents, saw it as God’s will with the way everything fell into place at the last moment. Whatever the reason, she will always have my gratitude for that support when not a lot of others did.

As I said goodbye, perhaps for the last time, I had to thank her one last time for that support. With a content smile and tears running down her face, she said that she wished my grandfather was still around to tell me how proud he was of me, and said buttons would be busting off his shirt from his chest swelling with pride. As an afterthought she added, “Well, I guess he has actually got the best seat in the house watching you now.”

As I walked away, I began wondering what that would be like, just being able to have a fly-on-the-wall sort of perspective over somebody’s life... just watch as they do whatever it is that they do. That is sort of the perspective that I want to present for whoever reads this. The ins-and-outs of a normal and flawed person’s mind whose faith rests completely in Christ Jesus. I hope you all learn something from the struggles and experiences to come. Please forgive me ahead of time for my failures... I’m not perfect, only forgiven.

Words can't kill the light inside of me
Words that tear me from the hate that binds me
Your face brings out the hate that rots me
The face of every day that haunts me

I can't pull away my blank stare
A thousand times should prove I don't care
But hands can't steal the light that makes me
Or bring me to the fate that breaks me

You'll never fade me out, you'll never turn me off
You'll never reach the end, never hear enough
Your half-grasp can't exterminate my stand
You can't rule with a broken upper hand
-Demon Hunter-